Who Am I?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been going through an uncomfortable process of revelation and transformation (and I am still going through it). It has been brought to my attention that I still carry insecurities from my past. One of them is this need to feel like I am part of a group that seems esteemed to many. It’s the reason why I have continued to overcommit myself in many ways, failed to draw required boundaries in a number of relationships and felt the need to justify myself and my worth by seemingly giving so much of myself.

I have discovered that it is a trap that many of us fall into, especially women. We feel that we need to be strong and put every person or every cause that we connect to ahead of ourselves. And we end up feeling like we are trapped and have no choice but to make the best of our situation. Another layer of my issue was the fact that I didn’t really believe that I was truly a person of worth unless I worked hard to prove myself. And because I continued to belittle my achievements, I found it difficult to celebrate them. I was always striving to be humble because I was afraid of taking away glory from God and ascribing it to myself.

I discovered something amazing this morning. I started this exercise where I write 40 statements about myself starting with “I am”. And what I use to describe myself has to be a noun. Therefore, I write, “I am strength” not “I am strong” or “I am love” not “I am loving/lovable”. I was struck by the fact that I was initially uncomfortable when I started writing about myself. It felt like arrogance to write, “I am beauty” instead of “I am beautiful” but by the time I got to the 40th statement, there was this feeling of inner validation that sprung up within me. And when I was finished, I wrote, “AND ALL THAT I AM, GOD CREATED”. It was an “aha” moment.

I am free to marvel at all that I am because doing so means that I marvel at who God is. For the things that awe me about myself are the elements of the great God alive in me.

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27/08/2016

Her

I remember like it was yesterday, the person that I used to be. I remember that I was never really comfortable with the concept of being me. I was very hard – scared of letting anyone know that all I saw was the many ways I didn’t fit in. It seemed like everyone had attended that very important class that teaches you how to live life…and I somehow missed it. I always felt like everyone was ahead and no matter how hard I tried, I was always left behind

I remember looking at her body and the way she fit in her jeans, and I was reminded of the many ways I didn’t measure up and the lengths I would have to go to reach what I believed was an elusive brass ring. I remember how all the boys wanted to be with her and none of them would spare a look for me….and it hurt. She was as lovely as they come, a sweetheart you see. And the only way I could feel better about myself was to find ways to bring her down. Until one day I realized that she had become stronger. She wouldn’t take it anymore. And so I retreated into a shell. I was incapable of seeing my own light because my eyes were veiled.

Over time, I became more comfortable with being different. I stopped fighting with that part of me that just refused to fit in. And when I finally got all the things that I had dreamed of all those years, it wasn’t as exhilarating as I thought it would be. I was more excited about the fact that I had grown to accept the idea of me.

Over that past few years, I’ve had this idea in my head of what God wants me to do and the type of person He wants me to be. I’m in a season where I’m starting to realize that I might have to let it go for me to move past His hand to His face. It’s very difficult; I worry that I will go back to the person I was. But deep down, I know that can never be, at least not completely. But it is possible that I will have to revisit portions of the old her to come into the next chapter of the journey of me.

I look back now and understand the beauty of her pain. If she didn’t go through all that torment, there wouldn’t be that base, that foundation that holds me. I’m grateful for her; in many ways she has made me far wiser than her years. Perhaps the lesson for today is to appreciate her and not make her out to be someone not to be.

 

 

15/07/2008

imageToday wasn’t so good. It’s one of those days when I’m particularly down about what I want and don’t have yet. It’s occurring to me to ask myself why I think that losing weight and then getting a boyfriend will only happen simultaneously or not at all. Aunty is even starting to question why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I kinda see where she is coming from. I’m 19 and have never even had a casual relationship yet, not to talk of a boyfriend. Usually at this point, I say things that I need to do so that my life will be different but I’ve tried everything. I’m thinking maybe I haven’t tried them long enough but I haven’t gotten anymore time left. I know that now. I’m becoming old and my youth is passing me by. I need to hold onto it and enjoy it or I’ll regret it. The problem is that what most people my age consider fun, I can’t really relate to. I don’t want my life to be like this or remain this way. I know I want to lose weight and know what a relationship feels like but apart from that, I don’t know what I want. Actually I also want to be independent and make my money on my own so that I will have something that is completely mine.

I was listening to this Leona Lewis song about “yesterday” and how that can never be taken away from you. It occurred to me that I always consider the now and the tomorrow to be important but yesterday is already gone so it is totally insignificant. When you think about it though, yesterdays make nows and tomorrows more important because you know that the nows and the tomorrows will eventually become yesterdays so you want to make every “now” count so that yesterdays and tomorrows will fill you with as little regret as possible.

This weight thing isn’t easy. I know that and I know what I need to do to lose it. What I can’t bear yet is the fact that there are certain things that I can’t eat and that I may never eat again in order to help myself. I don’t know if I ever will and that scares me sometimes because it means I’m doomed to either avoid looking in the mirror or to looking at it and hoping to see something I know is already there. I also know I may not be ready to do what I need to do to lose the weight, but will I ever be ready? I think I’m waiting for it to be easier and I’m more sure everyday that it will never be easier. That means that if/when it happens, I’m quite sure that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life