For the past couple of weeks, I have been going through an uncomfortable process of revelation and transformation (and I am still going through it). It has been brought to my attention that I still carry insecurities from my past. One of them is this need to feel like I am part of a group that seems esteemed to many. It’s the reason why I have continued to overcommit myself in many ways, failed to draw required boundaries in a number of relationships and felt the need to justify myself and my worth by seemingly giving so much of myself.
I have discovered that it is a trap that many of us fall into, especially women. We feel that we need to be strong and put every person or every cause that we connect to ahead of ourselves. And we end up feeling like we are trapped and have no choice but to make the best of our situation. Another layer of my issue was the fact that I didn’t really believe that I was truly a person of worth unless I worked hard to prove myself. And because I continued to belittle my achievements, I found it difficult to celebrate them. I was always striving to be humble because I was afraid of taking away glory from God and ascribing it to myself.
I discovered something amazing this morning. I started this exercise where I write 40 statements about myself starting with “I am”. And what I use to describe myself has to be a noun. Therefore, I write, “I am strength” not “I am strong” or “I am love” not “I am loving/lovable”. I was struck by the fact that I was initially uncomfortable when I started writing about myself. It felt like arrogance to write, “I am beauty” instead of “I am beautiful” but by the time I got to the 40th statement, there was this feeling of inner validation that sprung up within me. And when I was finished, I wrote, “AND ALL THAT I AM, GOD CREATED”. It was an “aha” moment.
I am free to marvel at all that I am because doing so means that I marvel at who God is. For the things that awe me about myself are the elements of the great God alive in me.