Today was one of those days when I felt like I was sitting with my Daddy in heaven and we were not having a one-sided conversation. Often times when I pray, I have to constantly remind myself that I am not talking to myself and my prayers are not in vain.
But not today.
Today I sat down on my bed and spoke to my Daddy in heaven. I told Him how grateful I was for my life, spoke to Him about the desires of my heart and asked Him to make me who He wanted me to be. It was simple and honest and I knew He was right there with me.
This is by no means a regular occurrence. More often than not I have to remind myself that God actually wants to listen to what I have to say. And it’s very interesting that I don’t doubt the existence of God; what I sometimes doubt is the notion that He cares about what I have to say.
Part of me is saddened that I am still here. One would have thought that I would have “gotten past this stage” by now or that I would have “graduated to a new level in God”. But I am not and I have not. I’m not even sure what that means anymore.
For a long time, I have measured my progress in different areas of my life using standards I thought people had set for me. Now that is a mental breakdown waiting to happen for three reasons:
- I am doing the measuring with other people’s tape i.e. I am making assumptions of what they think I expect and trying to live up to them.
- They’re other people i.e. > 1.
- Many times, those people are not members of the Holy Trinity i.e. they are all human beings
It is therefore no wonder that I was constantly on edge, easily “frustratable” and always seeking to make those people happy (many times to the detriment of my well-being). On those days when prayer felt like I was talking to myself, I pushed through so that I could tell “people” that I spent xx hours in prayer like it was some sort of accomplishment.
Usually at this part of my post, I talk about what I did to overcome the situation and how everything is all fine and dandy. But I haven’t and it isn’t. It’s something I struggle with everyday and I have to remind myself to keep top of mind.
I have to remind myself to take it One Day At A Time.
And so I’m happy that today was a good day. That I spoke to my Daddy in heaven and it was simple and honest. It might not feel that way tomorrow but today serves as a reminder to celebrate the days when I hold myself up to the standards of my Daddy in heaven and not beat myself up too much when I don’t.
And to surround myself with people who will help me do the same.