Scars

I was just watching the TV show, “This is us”, and I was particularly drawn to the story of the daughter. Understandably so because I can relate to the struggles that come with being overweight and how we live in a world that is unforgiving towards people that are different.

It reminded me of when I was a teenager and how all I ever wanted was to be someone that wasn’t me. It was torture; I could see what I wanted right in front of me and I kept trying my hardest to get it, but it remained out of reach. There were brief moments where it seemed like I was on track towards getting there, but those cravings always won.

Many people think that losing the weight means you finally have all those struggles behind you and the pain of your “old life” goes away. But there’s a deep fear that takes its place; despair at the thought of ever putting on another kilogram and going back to that place. I remember a moment last year when I was in tears because I had put on about 4 kilograms. I was so scared that I would go back to where I was coming from and I didn’t think I had the strength to do what I did to lose 21 kilograms again. I don’t know that I have that in me anymore; that was a couple of years ago and a lot has changed since then.

This isn’t one of those posts where I talk about how I overcame and how God came through for me so that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. This is still a struggle for me and I carry it with me everyday (even on the good days when I’m happy with my weight). I’m in a place where I’m at my heaviest since I lost weight. I’m not as heavy as I was before but there are times where I worry that I won’t get to where I want to be. It has made me depend more on God, not just for the strength to do what needs to be done to lose the weight. But more importantly, the strength to keep being myself and not let my joy be dictated by my ability to fit into a certain dress or seeing lower numbers on the scale.

Each day I wake up, I am reminded that I have to fight for my joy and peace. The strength for that battle can only come from the Lord. My focus is to take it one day at a time and remember two things (1) It will always be a journey; I will never “arrive” and (2) I am not competing with anyone; my responsibility is to be the best possible version of myself.

GD.

One thought on “Scars

  1. dnddyon says:

    Awwww…
    Thanks GD.

    Sincerely, I used to struggle with body issues… not just weight… breast size/nature, stretchmarks, pimples… etc… and i almost always wanted to be someone else… or at least have another’s body…
    But I think somewhere in my walk with God, God brought me to a place where I started to LOVE my body the way it is… It wasn’t easy but it became a habit…
    And with this came freedom… I realised that I wasn’t anxious no more about these things… and I stopped comparing myself to/wanting others’ type of bodies…
    Right now, I don’t even ever want to be like anybody… I rather seek to be my best self… I listen to my body better, and work with what suits it… And I have seen many positive changes… and I am so grateful to God…

    Recently, I noticed that I had put on some weight and some other ‘ugly body symptoms’, I panicked for a while, but then again, I re-dressed to loving my body and feeding it with what suits it… and I am seeing positive results again…

    I think body-loving-grooming is a journey of “as long as we live”…
    We will all be fine at the end if we stick to what is best for us.
    *kisses and hugs*

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