I remember like it was yesterday, the person that I used to be. I remember that I was never really comfortable with the concept of being me. I was very hard – scared of letting anyone know that all I saw was the many ways I didn’t fit in. It seemed like everyone had attended that very important class that teaches you how to live life…and I somehow missed it. I always felt like everyone was ahead and no matter how hard I tried, I was always left behind
I remember looking at her body and the way she fit in her jeans, and I was reminded of the many ways I didn’t measure up and the lengths I would have to go to reach what I believed was an elusive brass ring. I remember how all the boys wanted to be with her and none of them would spare a look for me….and it hurt. She was as lovely as they come, a sweetheart you see. And the only way I could feel better about myself was to find ways to bring her down. Until one day I realized that she had become stronger. She wouldn’t take it anymore. And so I retreated into a shell. I was incapable of seeing my own light because my eyes were veiled.
Over time, I became more comfortable with being different. I stopped fighting with that part of me that just refused to fit in. And when I finally got all the things that I had dreamed of all those years, it wasn’t as exhilarating as I thought it would be. I was more excited about the fact that I had grown to accept the idea of me.
Over that past few years, I’ve had this idea in my head of what God wants me to do and the type of person He wants me to be. I’m in a season where I’m starting to realize that I might have to let it go for me to move past His hand to His face. It’s very difficult; I worry that I will go back to the person I was. But deep down, I know that can never be, at least not completely. But it is possible that I will have to revisit portions of the old her to come into the next chapter of the journey of me.
I look back now and understand the beauty of her pain. If she didn’t go through all that torment, there wouldn’t be that base, that foundation that holds me. I’m grateful for her; in many ways she has made me far wiser than her years. Perhaps the lesson for today is to appreciate her and not make her out to be someone not to be.