Today wasn’t so good. It’s one of those days when I’m particularly down about what I want and don’t have yet. It’s occurring to me to ask myself why I think that losing weight and then getting a boyfriend will only happen simultaneously or not at all. Aunty is even starting to question why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I kinda see where she is coming from. I’m 19 and have never even had a casual relationship yet, not to talk of a boyfriend. Usually at this point, I say things that I need to do so that my life will be different but I’ve tried everything. I’m thinking maybe I haven’t tried them long enough but I haven’t gotten anymore time left. I know that now. I’m becoming old and my youth is passing me by. I need to hold onto it and enjoy it or I’ll regret it. The problem is that what most people my age consider fun, I can’t really relate to. I don’t want my life to be like this or remain this way. I know I want to lose weight and know what a relationship feels like but apart from that, I don’t know what I want. Actually I also want to be independent and make my money on my own so that I will have something that is completely mine.
I was listening to this Leona Lewis song about “yesterday” and how that can never be taken away from you. It occurred to me that I always consider the now and the tomorrow to be important but yesterday is already gone so it is totally insignificant. When you think about it though, yesterdays make nows and tomorrows more important because you know that the nows and the tomorrows will eventually become yesterdays so you want to make every “now” count so that yesterdays and tomorrows will fill you with as little regret as possible.
This weight thing isn’t easy. I know that and I know what I need to do to lose it. What I can’t bear yet is the fact that there are certain things that I can’t eat and that I may never eat again in order to help myself. I don’t know if I ever will and that scares me sometimes because it means I’m doomed to either avoid looking in the mirror or to looking at it and hoping to see something I know is already there. I also know I may not be ready to do what I need to do to lose the weight, but will I ever be ready? I think I’m waiting for it to be easier and I’m more sure everyday that it will never be easier. That means that if/when it happens, I’m quite sure that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life