15/07/2008

imageToday wasn’t so good. It’s one of those days when I’m particularly down about what I want and don’t have yet. It’s occurring to me to ask myself why I think that losing weight and then getting a boyfriend will only happen simultaneously or not at all. Aunty is even starting to question why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I kinda see where she is coming from. I’m 19 and have never even had a casual relationship yet, not to talk of a boyfriend. Usually at this point, I say things that I need to do so that my life will be different but I’ve tried everything. I’m thinking maybe I haven’t tried them long enough but I haven’t gotten anymore time left. I know that now. I’m becoming old and my youth is passing me by. I need to hold onto it and enjoy it or I’ll regret it. The problem is that what most people my age consider fun, I can’t really relate to. I don’t want my life to be like this or remain this way. I know I want to lose weight and know what a relationship feels like but apart from that, I don’t know what I want. Actually I also want to be independent and make my money on my own so that I will have something that is completely mine.

I was listening to this Leona Lewis song about “yesterday” and how that can never be taken away from you. It occurred to me that I always consider the now and the tomorrow to be important but yesterday is already gone so it is totally insignificant. When you think about it though, yesterdays make nows and tomorrows more important because you know that the nows and the tomorrows will eventually become yesterdays so you want to make every “now” count so that yesterdays and tomorrows will fill you with as little regret as possible.

This weight thing isn’t easy. I know that and I know what I need to do to lose it. What I can’t bear yet is the fact that there are certain things that I can’t eat and that I may never eat again in order to help myself. I don’t know if I ever will and that scares me sometimes because it means I’m doomed to either avoid looking in the mirror or to looking at it and hoping to see something I know is already there. I also know I may not be ready to do what I need to do to lose the weight, but will I ever be ready? I think I’m waiting for it to be easier and I’m more sure everyday that it will never be easier. That means that if/when it happens, I’m quite sure that it will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life

Evolver

About three and a half years ago, I started this blog. I was in a place where I had finally found the source of all wisdom and the answers to my most burning questions. The truth is that I had found the answers, but what I did not understand was that I had just set sail on a journey that was not going to end on this side of eternity.

I was super excited in the beginning…..I felt like I was sharing things with people that I wish someone had told me when I was younger. I was so relieved to no longer feel like the only person in the room that had not attended the class on how to live life. With every post and every comment came renewed zeal to keep charging forward.

But eventually I started to burn out. Writing became a chore; something I felt I had to because it was expected of me. In may ways, it mirrored my relationship with God – I would pray because I had to, and look at the clock to check how long I had spent. I would read my Bible because I had to, not because I was genuinely interested in what God wanted me to meditate on for the day. And I would judge my “performance” by the length of time spent in prayer or the number of chapters read. My attention had shifted from the heart of the work to the work itself and what it said about me as a “good Christian”.

This isn’t one of those posts where I end with how I made the right decision or did things better. It’s not one where the story ends “happily ever after”. I haven’t completely figured it out yet; it’s still work in progress. But what matters most is that progress is being made. Day after day, I’m doing my best, by the grace of God, to renew my mind and change the way I think. There were moments where I felt I needed to shut this whole operation down because I was a fraud, making people think that I had it all figured out when I was actually struggling.

But it was in that place that I received a new direction for this blog. The initial vision was for it to be a place where I could be honest and share this wonderful thing I had found which was my relationship with God. I now believe that the next step in that journey is to share more about myself, to be more honest about my struggles and where I am with them and to share my victories as well.

There are a number of ideas I’m thinking through on this but the first one is GD Chronicles, where I put up journal entries that I’ve made over the years. My hope is that it will encourage anyone struggling with similar issues.

I’ve also set out to be more active on social media – Grace’s Daughter is now on Instagram (gracesdaughter.ng) and twitter (@GracesDaughter1). You can also reach me via email on gracesdaughter.ng@gmail.com.

So that’s to guys. Let the journey continue….Lord help me!!!