Forgive me dear friends for being MIA for so long…..it’s been a very interesting couple of weeks. Honestly, I’m trying to be careful not to say “I’m really busy” or “my life is crazy right now” because it probably sounds like a cliché now but it’s the truth. Between work (which got really stressful for me this year) and starting to plan a wedding, I barely have enough time for my loved ones or myself. But it’s all a learning process and I’m getting better at it. Life hardly ever gives you enough time to rest at any current level of triumph; there’s always another obstacle to overcome, another area for improvement. So get used to the journey people because life is a series of evolving destinations.
The past couple of weeks have been very tough for me. You see, God is different things to me in different seasons of my life. Sometimes He’s my very best friend; I feel His presence with me and I know that there is absolutely nothing I cannot do. But there are other times when God feels like a very exacting coach, like an unforgiving personal trainer. He knows where He wants to get me to and He’s focused on the abilities He’s given me, which I cannot use outside of Him. However I sometimes only see my flaws and failings or I get distracted by pride, thinking that I can do everything on my own. And in those times when I get scared of the task ahead of me or I fall because I look to my own strength, I question God.
This doesn’t always happen in the most obvious way; I may not question whether God is real or if He really created the world and sent Jesus to die for humanity. It happens in more subtle ways like questioning whether I am good enough or if I can handle the things He’s given me. About three weeks ago, I began to question whether I was good enough for my job. In my eyes, I had made so many mistakes that I could not possibly be good enough to do my job. This was the same job I had asked God for and by questioning my capacity to handle it, I was basically questioning God’s wisdom in giving it to me.
And then a wonderful and wise friend of mine (I love you Eloho, you know this) made me realize that I had got myself in a bit of a pickle thinking that I could do my job on my own without God’s help. God is well aware of my capacity to do my job but that capacity is founded in Him. It is in Him that I am supposed to live, breathe and have my being. He is the catalyst that activates all the abilities I have and makes them shine to His glory. Outside of Him, I have no hope and will be nothing.
The past couple of weeks have reminded me of the importance of leaning on God for everything. There is a place for effort and handwork but you eventually get to the end of yourself and that’s where God comes in and does His part. I’m grateful to have learned this lesson again and at this time because I will soon take up the responsibility of being somebody’s wife and eventually a child’s mother. The thought of it alone is enough to send me into fits of panic and frenzy, especially when I consider the fact that my life is already demanding enough as it is. But I’m reminded that I never walk alone and that I can leave my life at God’s feet and walk away because He is more than able to work the whole thing out for me. My friend reminded me that I am helped of God and it is a truth that I intend to carry with me every single day of my life.