There are times when I feel like God and I are on point…He’s speaking clearly to me, I’m hearing clearly from Him and we are absolutely on the same page. Life is good and dandy, colors are brighter, images sharper and nothing can bring me down.
And then there are other times (and this happens more often than the previous scenario) where I feel like I’m floundering and grasping at straws. I feel like I’m just going through the motions when I pray and when I read my bible. I understand that I need to do these in order to grow where spiritual matters are concerned but I don’t “feel” Him. I hear some of my friends talk about how God spoke to them and what He said and I can’t help wondering “Erm God…didn’t you see me when You were talking to her? What did I do wrong and what did she do right that You spoke to her and not to me?”
The thing about one’s relationship with God, or any relationship for that matter is that each one is unique. I think that human relationships are easier to evaluate because you can have conversations with them, gauge their reactions and decipher whether or not things are working. It’s much harder to do so in a relationship with God. There are times when I feel like I’m doing everything I should but I still feel empty and because God is not flesh, I can’t look into His “physical” face (I don’t think He has one) or have a pointed conversation with Him where He will answer my questions in a manner that is most convenient for me (actually, I can sometimes but I find that as I grow in my faith, this happens less).
And so being the “logical” and “structured” thinker that I am, I use what I can see of the relationships of my closest friends with God to gauge where I am going wrong and this is can be very dangerous if it’s unchecked; we are all different and God meets us where we are as individuals. If I’m being honest, it’s a quick fix that’s convenient as far as my personality is concerned but it is also highly detrimental. I know that instead of trying to break down those relationships, I should actually face God to show me what’s wrong. I know that it is in those times of seeming disconnect that God can open my eyes to see where I need to do some work in myself.
I think it all boils down to whether or not I really trust God; do I really depend on Him to the be the plan or do I make Him Plan A and have a couple of back-up plans just in case it doesn’t work out. “Well yeah God, I’ll pray to you and ask what’s wrong when things seem a little off between us. But if You don’t get back to me as and when I want, then I can still go back to my friends’ relationships with you”. That’s another area of my life where I need to let go and surrender to Him.
If God asked me to quit my job today without explaining to me what the plan was, would I obey? Or would I be like “Guy chill, you have tell me why and what the plan is going forward before I do”. God told Abram to leave everything He knew to go to a land that He would show Him:
“The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I WILL [emphasis added] show you” – Genesis 12:1
It’s very important to note God had not yet shown Abram the land (He said “will show you” not “have shown you”) and yet He still asked Abram to leave everything he knew to follow God to literally God-alone-knows-where. I’m thinking that if I was Sarai (Abram’s wife), I would have thought the guy (Abram)was crazy and I can’t honestly say that I would have followed him.
But that’s what God expects of us people. To totally abandon our lives and be completely surrendered to Him. In the seemingly small things and in the huge decisions as well. All that we have been blessed with, He has given and so when He makes a demand on it, it’s only right (and in our own best interests) to yield to Him.
It is definitely not the easiest thing to do; society has expectations of us and the truth is as much as we try not to let them matter, they can very easily sneak into our thoughts – the unsolicited advice of a friend, the admonition of a parent. It’s often easier to bow to the loudest voices but the opinion that should matter the most comes in a still small voice. It’s hard to hear, can ask that you do some crazy things but the fruits of obedience are out of this world.